Death, Grief, and Loss Books: What I look for in a book

Jan 19

I currently have about fifteen to twenty children’s picture books in my personal library related to death, dying, grief, and loss. I’m always on the hunt to add to my collection of these books. I find that it is difficult to find really high quality, developmentally appropriate grief books.

There are a lot of new grief books that have hit the market over the last decade and until now I have not really had the dedicated time to check them all out. I recently did a search to find as many children’s grief books as possible to review them. I am looking at books with different types of losses (death of pet, sibling grief, death of a parent, grandparent, moving away to a new house, going to a funeral, etc.). I created my own excel spreadsheet with book information and review for easily accessible information for clients. Within the document, I have book descriptions and comments, my own rating score, and age group recommendations.

Currently, I am making my way down a list of 75 books to review. As I review the books, there are some that I am eager to use with clients, while others are a disappointment— full of language that can be misleading, confusing, or even unintentionally scary.

Death is a complex, abstract concept for a young child to understand. Books, specifically those with supportive language and illustrations, can do an amazing job with introducing this abstract concept while clearing up misconceptions, validating feelings, and providing a safe space to explore and process unique situations.

So, what do I specifically look for in a good, developmentally appropriate children’s grief book?

Free of euphemisms: Euphemisms mean using softer words to convey something rather than using direct language. There are so many books that I pick up and put down immediately because of this one category. This is one of the biggest offenders of grief books that have not hit the mark. I avoid books that use words that soften death language (unless they are brought up as a misconception and cleared up immediately).
What words am I talking about? Gone, born sleeping, passed away, lost, didn’t make it, lost the battle, went to heaven, left us, angel, too sick, resting in peace, sleeping forever, departed, went home, is in a better place, ….the list could go on. These words are confusing. Gone—-can they come back? Born sleeping—I’m afraid to go to sleep now. Passed away—like passed out? Lost—-well go find them… You get the point. These terms are confusing, unclear, and often have other meanings to children.
Uses the D words (Died, Dead, Death, Dying): Using all the D words, and explaining in simple terms what that means is always the way to go. I always look for this matter-of-fact, no-softening language in a kids book on death and dying. If the book is more of a ‘first look at death book’ then I am looking for specific guidance to let the reader know that death is permanent and means that the individual no longer breathes or has a heartbeat, that individual can no longer eat/drink/do the things we all do when we are living.
Some grief books out there are still good books if they don’t go into too much detail with explaining what dead/died means. This may just mean that the book is more of a ‘second step book’ once the child already has a good foundation understanding of death. These may be books that focus on a deeper idea or concept after death is understood, for example the book plot may focus on memories and connection, emotions, memorials, ideas of the afterlife, etc.
Not overly abstract Death is already very abstract. We do not have all the answers. It is okay to let kids know that we do not have all the answers. There are some beautiful books out there with amazing illustrations that are too abstract to really connect with young readers, due to developmentally not being able to conceptualize abstract thought yet. In addition, the young reader may be newly bereaved and trying their very best to just get through basic functions.
There are some abstract books that can work for older school-age grievers, but I go for books that are fairly matter-of-fact, with some slight abstract ideas related to exploring ideas of ‘afterlife’, ‘body/soul differentiation’, and connection to those who have died.
Attempts to clear common misconceptions Kids have many misconceptions about death. Did I cause it? Can I catch it? Could I have prevented this? Will they come back? The list goes on. I love a good book that weaves in potential misconceptions and addresses them right away with developmentally appropriate information.
Validation of emotions that can arise while grieving I’m always looking for the validation of emotions and the invitation for the reader to have a safe space to process their own emotions. Books that show emotions such as guilt, confusion, anger, sadness, love…a whole range of emotion. A book that welcomes in any and all emotions is a good book.
Approaches and introduces coping skills I also love when books introduce and explore a variety of ways in which children can heal, cope, and process their experiences and emotions. Books that teach concepts like mindfulness, finding a supportive adult or friend to be with, hugs, breathing, going for a walk. Children can learn ways to process their big feelings from watching what a character does within a book.
Multiracial and multicultural representation Everyone wants to see someone like them in a book. They want to feel seen, heard, and recognized. I am always looking for books with different races and cultures represented. We all come from unique and beautiful backgrounds that deserve to be represented. I also personally look for books that are not overly religious, as my clients come from many different backgrounds. There is nothing ‘wrong’ with a book that brings in religion, however I am careful with this one because many books that have a religious feel to them are full of euphemisms and feed into potential misconceptions.
800 words or less I look for books that are around this word count or less. Children’s picture book readers are most often ages 2-8 years. They have a short attention span, and even shorter when grieving or emotionally overwhelmed. When I have utilized books with bereaved children that go far over this word count I have found that their attention starts to wonder.